UNDERSTANDING TO BE OLD
The old rusty Nail
AN E-JOURNAL FOR OLD PEOPLE
Russell Burton, an Old Person
What it is like to be old can only be understood by old people. I touched on this in my first article ‘Being Old’. But, I did not get into the thoughts and feelings of old people. What we are thinking and how we feel about various things are different I know than those of younger people and even different than those I felt a few years back. And, I don’t have to go back to very many years to see how my thoughts and feelings have changed now that I am an old person.
Like I wrote in my first article I am not being condescending about using the word ‘old’ for its meaning is clear and I like clarity when I am communicating with my fellow old friends. Of course crossing that threshold when a person becomes ‘old’ varies among all of us. For me, it was about the age of 80. And, one slips into it without knowing it at least that’s what happened to me. But, I finally realized that I was a different person. That is, I had entered into my final stage of life.
Further I defend this age as an appropriate beginning of old age because it is the point where I have lived a bit longer than most of the people born in 1932. In an earlier article I call this living on borrowed time. That is I have borrowed these years I am living from my fellow birthers who died early before they reached 80.
Of course there are many older people who refuse to ever use that word and perhaps they never feel changes in their mind and body. I salute them if they really do not feel anything different. I hope they are not kidding themselves – that is not accepting these feelings and thoughts of being old so as to understand and enjoy them.
Now, I am not saying this is the end of the world for me when I refer to myself as old. It is just a word that names another chapter in my life. What I am trying to write is that I am profoundly different in mind and body than I was not many years ago. And, those changes are hard to describe – but I will try.
Also, when I write that I am enjoying old age, I mean that it is a new experience and I do enjoy new feelings, thoughts, and pain. What, did I just write the word pain? Yes, pain is with me all of the time which reminds me that I am alive and living in the old-age stage of life.
Okay why should I attempt to describe my feelings of old age? Well, I think my feelings should be described so that younger people can perhaps begin to understand them in general but more specifically to better know me. I wish my folks had talked to me more about being old for I did not understand their thoughts and feelings as they entered into the last phase of their lives. Perhaps I would have treated them differently – you know helped them more, I don’t know how but maybe. And, we old people are now in the last phase of our lives.
Some how, I fear that it will not be easy to capture my feelings and thoughts about being old, so I will underline each of them as I stumble across them as I write this article. Clearly, there is no order in their discovery.
Now, I am not saying that being old is bad, disgusting, terrible, rather be dead, etc. In fact, I can honestly say that I am in a sense enjoying this phase of my life – not that I have any choice. So what is there to enjoy I can hear old people ask. Well, first in retirement I have a feeling of serenity that I never had before. But, that feeling is clouded a bit for I still have to face problems. I do not have the duty bound feeling that I have to get up in the morning and go to work. But, with that ‘relaxed’ feeling comes some ‘regret’ that I will not be working around my friends such as going to lunch with my best work buddy.
Listening to NPR the other day, someone noted that retirement is not a requirement of life and that it is something that is relatively new in the lives of Americans. But, he added that it was important because it allows time to be with the family more and reflection on one’s life.
Certainly, my grandfather did not retire. He worked his farm until the day he died in his late 80s. And, I think he would not have had it any other way for that was what he knew. I don’t think he did much reflection on his life. I have been fortunate in that I have had a much richer life.
I mention his work was all that he knew. Well, I can say that petty much about me when I retired. Oh, I had done some stained glass art work and a little water based paining, still what I really knew was my job.
I do reflect on my life and with a feeling of accomplishment with my life’s career as a scientist helping fighter pilots survive in a complex very physical environment. I know for sure that my work saved some pilot’s lives. Robert Kennedy remarked once that everyone reviews their life so it is important that it is well spent with accomplishments which are rewarding to that person. I experience that wonderful feeling each and every day!
I suppose an evaluation of ‘rewarding to that person’ should include the benefits to our society. You know some strange people who might do terrible things in their lives but are rewarding themselves now because they did them well. An example would be a ‘hit man’ that killed fifty people during his ‘career’ with the mob without being caught.
When I first retired, I suppose like most professional people I entered in a state of mild depression. Of course, I suppose that should be expected because as I just wrote your job is most of what you know. And, loosing your job you lose your identity. I was a major government scientist and immediately I was not that person anymore. Suddenly, who was I?. Now, I am not saying this was the beginning of old age – absolutely not. I retired when I was 68 and only then because my job would have changed and I was not interested in that change. My goodness that was 13 years ago and during those years I have lived a wonderful retirement life.
For a couple of years after I retired I got back into scheduled activities and hobbies which satisfied my curiosity and ambitious and creative nature. The most important thing I did and still doing is to write. I get a great feeling of pleasure sitting down to my computer and writing. For some strange reason I find myself in another world. I guess that is the case because my ‘working mind’ is transformed into that world and brains do enjoy work. I say, I move into another world when I write, I surely hope so for I do my writing in a closet in my bedroom. But, when I begin writing I am immediately transformed into that other world where I am most comfortable.
There is an argument that a working brain is important in old age to fight off forms of dementia. And, I think it is working for I believe that my mind is as sharp as it was many years ago. At least, I hope so. But, I do wonder on a regular basis about the health of my brain. I do little tests with my memory to see if I have lost my edge.
Another thing about writing I have found is that it helps me think things through with what I perceive to be a problem. For instance, I am writing this Blog on old age because I do not understand what it means and that troubles me. I do not like to have something going on in my brain that I do not understand.
Of course, thoughts of dying for me are more common than they were just a few years ago. You know, I had too much on my mind to worry about something that I assumed was in the distant future – and fortunately it was and I hope still is.
In that regard, for the past several months I have been writing about religion from a personal perspective. You know trying to figure it out because there are two ways to go either you believe in a deity or you do not thus placing religion into the category of superstition. It took me over 60,000 words and over 40 references to come to a conclusion that I am comfortable living with and when the time comes providing me with an intelligent platform on which to die.
So, death I do not fear but losing my balance and falling is a fear. I have written about falling before but not about the fear that is always in the back of my mind. I think that is healthy thinking for it no doubt prevents some falls that I would have taken without thinking about them. Still, I must remind myself not to dwell on falling and not being able to get up.
Quality of life thoughts are now common place in my mind. Certainly some decisions take quality of life into account. Recently, I had surgery on a major artery in my leg because I was limited in my walking distance. Of course there was risk of dying during that four-hour surgery for someone in their 80s, but because of quality of life issues not having the surgery was no option.
I think about my health so I have been going regularly to physicians, especially those trained on understanding the diseases of old age. When I was younger, I did not get regular medical checkups. I guess I was too busy and really medical thoughts never really entered my mind. One caveat here is that when I was in my sixties I did begin to have my prostate checked on a regular basis. And, in fact I entered in a prostate cancer research study. My concerns about prostate cancer were well founded for my father had it and it had spread before it was diagnosed.
I think, hope and try to savor good times more than I use to because I know I have fewer good times ahead of me.
I still worry about things but not as much as I use too. My concerns are about the health of my family particularly my son and wife. In that regard worry is positive as it drives me to help them as much as I can. And, I am helping them and very pleased that I am in a financial position to do so.
Fun thoughts, you bet I have them and in some regards those thoughts are a different kind of fun than I have ever experienced. Details here are personal and not important here, but it is a fun that allows me to look toward the future with a smile.
I continue to love my chums. Of course each one I love in a different way. Some more intense than others and one in particular that I will not dwell on. And, my love involves sex much less than it use to. I suppose in a way that too is relaxing and to some degree rewarding in itself. You know knowing love in a much broader sense.
Oh my, when I started this article I thought I could capture my thoughts on being old with some clarity, but I fear that I have rambled and not done a good job. In a way it is like gabbing at a cloud for somehow I just can’t do it well.
So, I have rambled but shouldn’t an old person have that prerogative? At least I have let my readers know that old people feel and think differently and that is my intent.
Well, with that philosophical note I close another article on being old. I would be pleased if any of my readers wanted to share their thoughts and feelings on being old burton.russell@att.net
